Squiggle
Sample pages from Episode 1 : Alex Needs a Woman

© Steve England, 2003

Not being very sucessful at finding a girlfriend, Alex's fried Fiona has lined up a blind date for him.

We join the action partway through Scene 4 as Fiona is about to give Alex some advice on how to treat a woman beofre he sets off on his blind date...

SCENE 4. INT. FIONA’S LOUNGE - DAY

FIONA IS GIVING ALEX SOME ADVICE BEFORE HIS BLIND DATE.

FIONA:

You can be very trying Alex. Just relax and you’ll be fine. We don’t want any repeats of that incident in Oswestry.

ALEX:

But I get nervous and tongue-tied. I never know what to say to a woman, I need help on this one mate. What do I do? What should I say?

FIONA:

Be caring. Be polite. Show her what a wonderful person you are. Show her you’re charming and clever. But above all… don’t show her the real you.

ALEX:

Right.

FIONA:

Remember, a woman is not just a pair of breasts, you need to cater for her feelings, make her feel special not like a piece of meat to be leered at. Did you get all that?

FIONA:

Sorry, you lost me at “breasts”.

FIONA:

(SIGHS) Look mate, there’s a simple set of rules if you want to get into a woman’s -

ALEX:

knickers

FIONA:

- good books.
The rules are:
1. Don’t stare at her breasts.
2. Compliment her on her looks (PAUSE) but not on the size of her breasts.
3. Talk about her not about you – you don’t want to scare her off and, above all, don’t touch her breasts.

ALEX:

Sniggers.

FIONA:

I’m serious Alex; no matter what happens don’t touch her breasts. Remember what happened at university?

ALEX:

I was sure she wanted me to touch them.

FIONA:

Why would the vice chancellor want you to touch her breasts (PAUSE) particularly during a graduation ceremony?

ALEX:

But what if my date invites me to touch them?

FIONA:

Trust me Alex, there is no way you are going to be invited to touch them.

CUT TO:

© Steve England, 2003